


A Trip Down Memory Lane

by orphan_account



Category: Doctor Who (1963)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial, Depressed Sarah, Emotional Abuse, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Harry is a Good Bro, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I didn't actually look up anything about Lavinia, I'm messing with canon A LOT, I'm sorry Sarah, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Physical Abuse, Telepathy, first fic, oblivious doctor, whooops
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-25
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-07 20:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14088897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The Doctor doesn't realize that his words can bring up harsh reminders of the past for his best friend.





	1. Flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> Yay, first fic! I honestly have no idea what I'm doing, but I'm just gonna roll with it.

'Oh, stop whining, girl. You're useless.'

'Oh, Doctor. Is that all you can say for yourself? Stupid, foolish girl. We should never have relied on you. I knew you'd let us down.'

'That's the trouble with girls like you. You think you're tough, but when you're really up against it, you've no guts at all.'

'Hundreds of lives at stake and you lie there, blubbing.'

The words replayed in Sarah's head as she lay on her bed on the TARDIS. She knew the Doctor hadn't meant them, but still, she mulled over them.

Sarah hadn't told the Doctor much of her life before their fateful meeting. Sure, she had mentioned Aunt Lavinia a couple times, but that was about it. He knew almost nothing of her life before traveling with him, besides that she was a journalist.

She had never told him of her lack of parents or about the abusive aunt whom she had lived with for 20 odd years.

But that was beside the point. After dealing with terrifying bug creatures, a Sontaran, Davros and the Daleks, and now Cybermen, Sarah was exhausted. She had lived her worst fears, been exposed to distronic explosives, and then poisoned. Sarah thought it was safe to say that she had a rough week. 

Not to say her male companion hadn't either. Harry's first trip had been extended to several, all of which had been quite dangerous. Although, Sarah thought he had done quite well, considering.

Yet, no matter how much she tried, the Doctor's word still haunted her, an echo of the things she had been hearing since she was a little girl. She knew that his harsh words were meant to motivate her, albeit in a rather vulgar way. 

But the very reason she decided to travel with the Doctor was that it, like writing, had become an escape. Sarah didn't have to think about her own problems because now she could help others deal with theirs. She never got the chance to cut lines into her skin, since now her time was taken up with helping others not to do the same. Perhaps she was just running away from her problems.

And with these thoughts still swirling in her head, Sarah Jane drifted off to sleep.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"You foolish girl! Why do I even keep you around?! You're so useless, all you do is take up space!"

With that, five-year-old Sarah Jane Smith ran up the stairs to the small room Aunt Lavinia had let her have. It was bland, with white paint, nondescript furniture, and a single small window on the right side of the bed. 

To Sarah, it felt more like a prison than a child's bedroom.

The girl shuffled over to the white-blanketed bed that resided in the center of the room. Staring back at her from the pillow was a clown doll that Aunt Lavinia knew she hated but kept it for reasons Sarah didn't understand.

Sarah picked up the doll, staring into its button eyes that almost seemed to stare back at her. She set it back down on the bed, face down.

The five-year-old could no longer contain her tears at that point, and she collapsed on the bed, sobbing, her tiny chest shaking with the force of them.

Long after the girl's tears had dried, she lay down on the bed, exhausted. The clown doll had somehow been turned on its side and was now staring at her, it's sewn on smile chilling her in a way she didn't truly understand. 

Regardless, Sarah managed to drift away from the room and the doll, once again falling into the land of dreams.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

A hand shaking her shoulder drew Sarah from her light sleep. She opened her eyes slowly, looking up to see Harry staring down at her with concern in his eyes.

"Harry? What are you doing in here? What time is it? Has something hap-"

"Nothing's happened, Sarah," Harry said. "But I was wandering around, looking for the galley, when I heard crying from this room. I didn't know it was yours. I walked in and you were curled up bawling."

"Oh. Well, it's nothing of concern. I'm fine. It's been a long week, after all."

"Never heard a more true statement. Well, if you're alright, I guess I'll let you get some rest. We do have to get to the Brigadier bright and early, old girl."

"Harry..."

His reply was a laugh as he left the room.


	2. Nightmares

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to make this chapter a bit longer.

Harry, as it turned out, was right. Sarah awoke at around six o'clock to the ever-present humming of the TARDIS. Groaning, Sarah sat up. She was still very tired, but she knew the Doctor would soon become impatient if she didn't prepare to see the Brigadier.

After showering, dressing, and eating, Sarah walked into the console room. She found the Doctor and Harry already waiting, no doubt discussing what the Brigadier had called them for.

That was when she noticed what the Doctor was wearing. He looked ridiculous with a tartan scarf and a felt hat. The Doctor's signature scarf was wrapped around Harry's neck.

"Well, don't you look very Scottish, eh, Doctor!"

"Ah, Sarah," the Doctor said upon seeing her. "You're just in time. Are you ready to see the Brigadier?"

"Yes. I take it we're going to Scotland?"

"Well, that's where the TARDIS has landed us. Come, off to see the Brigadier!"

With that, he plopped his regular hat atop Sarah's head and opened the doors to the TARDIS, strolling out. Sarah and Harry shared a look and walked off after him.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

"Sarah?"

"Er..."

"No?"

"Oh, alright. Providing we do go straight back to London."

"Oh yes, we will. I promise."

The pair entered the TARDIS, the Doctor immediately going to the console to input the dematerialization sequence.

"Can we really go back to five minutes ago?" Sarah asked.

"Of course! Did you think I was bluffing?" he replied hotly.

"No, I just thought that perhaps it goes against some law of time, or something."

"Well, you thought right. Anyways, you should go get some sleep. We can always go back to five minutes ago tomorrow."

"Alright. Goodnight, Doctor."

"Goodnight, Sarah."

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Sarah once again lays down to rest. She suspected that only adrenaline had been keeping her exhaustion away. 

But of course, just when she is about to fall into oblivion, her over-active mind strikes again. Sarah began thinking of all the things that had happened in Scotland over the past few days. She was sad to see Harry go, but he didn't seem suited to the lifestyle that the Doctor and Sarah led.

Yes, their lives were often dangerous. Both herself and the Doctor had almost died so many times it was almost ridiculous. What was not ridiculous was the number of times she had ended up bent of the Doctor's chest, weeping because she thought he was dead.

And every time Sarah felt as though it were her fault. If she had just been sharper, kept her wits better, then maybe he wouldn't always get shot or strangled or worse. The logical part of her knew that she couldn't always be at fault, but the larger part, the one that had taken over due to her aunt's influence, said otherwise. 

Lavinia had always blamed Sarah for everything; from her parent's death to something as small as spilling water on the floor. Sarah had been brought up thinking that she was worthless. When her aunt had found out about the little razor Sarah kept beneath her pillow, the woman did nothing to stop her from harming herself. 

Sarah knew that she should have gotten help, told someone about Aunt Lavinia's abuse, but she was always too afraid to. She didn't know why. It was like a rope was attached to her, one that pulled her back every time she even thought of telling anybody.

No one knew of Sarah's past, and she preferred it that way. She especially didn't want the Doctor to find out. He would think her weak. Well, Sarah thought bitterly, he probably already did. 

It was with these less-than-comforting thoughts that Sarah fell asleep once again.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

The Doctor was fiddling with the sonic screwdriver in the control room when he heard screams echo throughout the TARDIS. 

"Doctor!"

The Time Lord jumped up, his hearts pounding. The only time Sarah screamed like that was when she was truly terrified of something. 

Running towards the direction of her room, the Doctor let the TARDIS guide him down her twisting corridors.

Finally, he came to a white door with small, elegant print that read 'Sarah Jane'. The Doctor unlocked the door with his sonic, wary of what he would find inside.

What he saw wasn't what he expected. Instead of a terrifying alien, the Doctor only saw Sarah thrashing around on the bed, obviously in the throes of a nightmare. 

The girl was shouting out his name, mixed in with the occasional, "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." 

The Doctor quickly crossed the length of the room and put his hand on Sarah's shoulder. Immediately, she shot up and latched onto him, hugging him and crying into his scarf.

"I'm sorry Doctor," she sobbed. "I'm sorry. It's my fault, it's always my fault. I'm sorry." 

"Sarah, what on Earth could you possibly be sorry for?" the Doctor asked incredulously.

Sarah didn't answer, she only continued to hug him tightly and sob. The Doctor put his arms around her and held her close. The Sarah Jane he knew only ever cried if she was frustrated or in pain. Now she was crying as if it were the last time she would ever see him again.

Even after her tears had stopped flowing, Sarah still hugged the Doctor tightly. He was, admittedly, still shocked by her behavior. 

Eventually, the Doctor pulled away from Sarah's grasp, instead putting his hands on her shoulders and looking down at her face. She looked pale, with red-rimmed eyes and tear tracks still marring her cheeks.

Sarah looked down at her hands, almost as if she were afraid of looking into his eyes. 

The two said nothing for a while until Sarah broke the silence by saying, "I- I'm okay now. You c-can go back to whatever you were d-doing."

"You don't look fine."

"Oh, it was just a silly nightmare. It's really nothing to worry about Doctor."

"Are you trying to convince me or yourself?" the Doctor replied. "Because it's not working."

At that, Sarah looked back down at her hands.

"You call me your best friend, yet I still almost get you killed all the time."

The Doctor looked down at her in shock. How could she possibly think that?

"And you know nothing about me," she continued. "You haven't figured out how worthless I really am."

No. No no. How could his strong, brave, compassionate, Sarah Jane Smith think of herself that way? The Doctor's hearts hurt, thinking of what she thought of herself. 

"Sarah... you aren't worthless. You should never, ever feel that way."

"How could I not!" she cried. "I only drag you down, half the time you end up having to rescue me! The rest of the time you get hurt or nearly killed because I wasn't fast enough, or I didn't have the brains to help."

"Oh, Sarah..."


	3. A Trip Down Memory Lane

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I promised to get this out much earlier, but school has been kicking my butt, so I haven't been able to take the time to sit down and write. I just wanted to get this out because I know I'll be busy this weekend. Anyways, enjoy!

The Doctor had always tried to make his companions feel welcome on the TARDIS. That is, he did after the whole thing with Ian and Barbara. Afterall, having a different opinion had saved the day many times. He often found himself relying on his companions more and more nowadays.

It was for this reason that the Doctor was astounded by Sarah's idea that she was worthless. 

"How could you think that you silly girl?" the Doctor said softly. "You're the most resourceful and reliable person I've ever met!" The Doctor put his hand on her cheek and she finally looked into his eyes.

"You've never dragged me down, Sarah. You're so important to me... if I lost you now..." The Doctor trailed off, hoping that she would understand what he was trying to say.

Instead, she replied with, "I'm not important to anyone, Doctor. Everyone just leaves in the end." 

She pulled away from his hand and turned towards the bed.

Suddenly, Sarah spun around to face him, saying, "Look in my head!"

"What?!" The Doctor asked, startled.

"Well, can't you go into people's minds and see their memories and things?"

"Er, yes, but..."

"Then do it, Doctor! Because what you're asking me to explain is something I just can't."

The Doctor sighed. Giving in, he said, "Are you sure, Sarah? Because without the proper training you won't be able to hide any memories you won't want me to see."

"Yes," she said, determined. "Besides, there aren't any that I wouldn't want you to know about."

The Doctor hesitated for a few more seconds, before saying, "Oh, alright. Turn the lights on and sit on the bed."

With proper lighting, the Doctor could finally see Sarah's face. Tear tracks marked he cheeks, and her eyes were red and puffy. Her face was void of make-up, making her look younger than she was.

She looked beautiful.

Once both of them were sitting, the Doctor faced the woman and placed two fingers on her temples. Closing her eyes, Sarah leaned towards him.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

Sarah opened her eyes. She looked around. The Doctor was standing next to her, his head turned towards a scene to his right.

She looked at her surroundings. The two of them were standing in Lavinia's living room, but it looked... newer. The furniture was different than what it was the last time Sarah had been there.

Turning towards the direction the Doctor was looking, Sarah felt her stomach drop.

They were watching the only time Aunt Lavinia had physically hurt Sarah. 

She remembered the incident well. Lavinia had been drinking all day, leaving a seven-year-old Sarah to her own devices. The girl had decided to play outside, only to end up coming in early because of rain.

And when the little girl tracked mud on the carpet, Lavinia exploded with rage.

The memory started with Lavinia noticing Sarah's muddy boots. The woman jumped up, a bottle of beer in hand. Then the typical shouting started. Sarah was used to it, but the Doctor looked outraged.

"You stupid child! You know this carpet is brand new!"

Little Sarah attempted to whimper out an, "I'm sorry," but Lavinia wasn't having it.

"Is that all you can say for yourself?! 'I'm sorry.' You've been a sorry MISTAKE since you were born! That's why your parents drove off and killed themselves. YOU'RE A MISTAKE, SARAH JANE SMITH!"

And with that declaration, Lavinia smashed the bottle still in her hand on Sarah's head. The girl crumpled, beer and glass covering her hair.

Present-day Sarah dared a glance up at the Doctor. She fully expected him to be disgusted with her, but on his face, Sarah saw only fury and... sadness? 

Sarah couldn't glean anything else from his mask, so she looked back at the memory.

Lavinia stood looking at the prone form of young Sarah. Slight shock was present on her face, but it seemed she was mostly confused in the way only a drunk could be. The woman proceeded to collapse back in her chair, promptly falling asleep.

DWDWDWDWDWDWDWDW

The Doctor was completely shocked. He knew when he saw her that the girl was Sarah Jane, probably around 6 or 7. Even her hair was the same style.

He had also guessed that the woman was Sarah's Aunt Lavinia, given that the name was spelled out in large letters on the mantle.

What the Doctor hadn't known was that Sarah had no parents. 

It was very apparent that Lavinia was abusive, although he couldn't tell if it was always physical.

Then Sarah spoke. "She wakes up in a few hours. I do, I mean. She was still asleep when I did, so I took a shower and cleaned the carpet. She doesn't even remember this."

The Doctor looked down at his brave companion. She was staring down at her younger self sadly, lost in thought.

"Sarah," he said slowly. "How often did this happen?"

"Er, this is the only time Aunt Lavinia ever really hurt me."

"And how often did she emotionally abuse you?"

Sarah looked up at him strangely. "It wasn't really..." She sighed defeatedly. "Doctor, right now that little girl keeps a razor beneath her pillow and cuts into her skin every other night. If anything, I'm the one at fault."

"Oh, really?"

The Doctor placed his fingers on her temples again. Before the pair played hundreds of memories, each one showing up for just two seconds, but that was long enough to get the Doctor's point across.

Because all of them show a scene where Lavinia was screaming at Sarah. Calling her worthless, useless, stupid, ugly, annoying... the list went on.

The Doctor took his hands off when Sarah tugged at his scarf, crying, "Alright Doctor, I get it! Please, please just stop..."

He pulled her tight against him and once again she cried into his scarf. The Doctor pet her hair and whispered soothing words into her ear.

Slowly, the area faded back into Sarah's bedroom. Their arms were still wrapped around each other, and Sarah's sobs were subsiding into little hiccups. Eventually, those slowly turned into soft, even breaths. Sarah was asleep.

The Doctor laid her down gently on the bed. Reaching past her, he felt underneath the pillows, searching until he felt the cool bite of metal. Grabbing it, he examined the blade. The edge of it was tinged a faint brown-red color, and it smelled of blood.

Slipping the blade into his pocket, the Doctor grabbed Sarah's sleeves and gently pulled them up.

What he saw wasn't pretty. Scars crisscrossed the flesh. Some looked years old, others maybe 3 weeks. Scabs also lined Sarah's arm, some barely starting to heal. 

Taking hold of her shirt hem he pushed it up to her navel. The Doctor sighed. She had been hurting herself while traveling with him and he hadn't even noticed.

He was surprised that the TARDIS hadn't notified him at all. The ship seemed to like Sarah more than some previous companions. He sometimes caught Sarah speaking aloud to the TARDIS and the old girl humming in reply.

The Doctor shook himself out of his musings. Pushing her shirt down again, the Doctor picked her up and carried her out the door.


End file.
